I’m laying back and settled deep into the plush leather seats of the neon filled stretch limo. There are 12 other people invading my space here. All of them laughing, drinking and fornicating. They are over there on that side and I’m most comfortable being alone here in the back. An occasional glance and a warm smile assure them that I am still there and still having a great time. Their guilt is eased. Each time I refill my glass there is a slight uproar and a little chiding. They take turns spitting out phrases and tossing them around to assure themselves that yes they are still cool and hip and yes they are all so very beautiful and no, Michael… you are not going to die. “Drink some more red wine” they say, and I do. This makes them happy which in turn, makes me happy.
Nathan is giving Matthew the blowjob of his life and I couldn’t care less. I chuckled remembering that Auntie Vera and I know how to properly use that phrase… also one of my pet peeves. Funny though, a month ago my pet peeve would have been that Nathan always angles his head in such a way that I am unable to see Matt’s penis slide down his throat. That was last month. Tonight I’m on edge, wondering if a broken heart is in my cards. I’m twittering to escape. To escape from my dear dear friends who I’ve known for 20 years and running away and towards my internet friends whom I’ve never actually met. My twitter friends. The friends that don’t really know me and therefore don’t expect me to be perfect or the life of the party. Those friends just like me for me. I don’t owe them a good time. I take photos of my friends doing what they do and how they do it. They notice but don’t get angry, in fact they are really into it until they realize I only have my iphone and that the pics are going to be shitty at best. “Did you bring one of your cameras from home”? Laura says in her half drunk voice. “Uh, no Laura I didn’t think about it… sorry”. “WHY NOT”! “Well I didn’t think carrying around a 5,000 dollar camera at the Mayan was an especially bright idea.” I hear her whisper to Scott “Michael’s crabby huh”?
No, I’m not crabby… I’m broken. I love you but I’m broken and I’ve got to fix myself.
My house is the first stop. Oh God please drop me off first. “Do you want one of us to stay with you tonight? or all of us” ? asks David.
I pause and out of courtesy I act as if I’m thinking about it. Then I gently say “No, No thanks guys. I’m feeling much better and I could use the quiet and calmness, it’s been a crazy night”
David looks at me sideways and says “Ok, call ya in the morning” He kisses me on the lips and I can taste the grape vodka. I lick my lips as he walks back to the car.
I wave goodbye to the absurdly long car as I hear multiple voices yell out goodnight and sweet dreams from within. It pulls out of my driveway and enters the dark cold street as it silently speeds away.
I instantly feel relieved. I am now alone and I know the driver will get them all home safely. What I needed was alone time tonight but what I did was go clubbing until 3am in order to make my friends feel better. Feel better about me and about themselves and their own mortality.
I shower and collapse naked on the bed. I run my left hand over my damp chest and find my heart. I knock on my chest 3 times. The dogs fly into the room and find their spot on the comforter. I turn up the electric blanket to 7 for them. I reach over and take a baby aspirin and a drink of water, turn out the bed lamp and stare at the ceiling.
Are you broke Michael?
Yes, Yes I am. But… I can fix this.
